I'll Bleed Before I Cry
by pinkperson
Summary: Life is a beautiful thing, Tohru comes to realize.


Tohru Honda used to believe in people.

Nothing else really mattered as long as someone was there to hold her hand and guide her through the ups and downs of life. Someone to push the center of her back as she swung into the air, legs flying towards the sky.

Tohru used to believe in ghosts.

She knew her mother by the sly glint in her eye, the cheesy grin stretched across her face. They would have tickle fights and Tohru would be allowed to win. She would pout sometimes, crossing her arms and puffing her cheeks out. She could tell her mother feigned weakness. She also noticed other things.

For example, the grin on her mother's face would at some point look stiff and her eyes would lose their brightness. Her mother would avert her eyes and say that she should get back to doing the dishes. Tohru would watch her get up and walk towards the kitchen, wishing she could at least get a hug. It was a selfish thought, but it was always there.

Tohru used to believe in hatred.

She used to despise her father. A man she barely knew. All she knew of him were photographs with bent edges and the countless stories her mother told her about his every exhale and step taken on Earth. Katsuya was some sort of idol, going by the rosiness in her mother's cheeks and the wideness of her eyes as she spoke about him. He had the softest hair, she'd say, holding her hand out, palm facing upward. Her eyes were glazed as though she could imagine the tendrils grazing her skin. His eyes were kind and he had this confidence that was overwhelming. When Katsuya laughed, the world laughed with him.

Tohru had no idea what that meant for the longest time. She took it literally and found it weird. She didn't like seeing her mother's eyes water as she spoke about him. She wondered why she sat and listened when it was a painful experience for them both. She hated this man who her mother seemed to love more than life itself.

Tohru used to believe that she was the center of the universe.

At her father's funeral, she stood in front of the black casket, eyes steely as she stared at nothing. How could it be anything but nothing? Once someone was dead, there was nothing left but their memories. Wasn't that the way the world worked? That was what she believed, anyway. Tohru didn't have memories of her father...none that were real or worth noting anyway. And so she stood there silently. She stood there stiffly, coldly. Her father's wife, parents, siblings, and many other relatives, friends, and acquaintances watched her. And they judged her.

Belief…

Tohru's entire life was molded and decided by this feeling. Did she believe in herself? In her mother and father? Did she believe in God? There was a time when Tohru didn't believe in anything. She was simply a puppet that was tossed around by the hands of life and she'd been okay with that. But things changed when she realized her purpose in life, realized how precious life really is.

She'd remember the fear on her mother's face on the night that they'd received the phone call from the hospital. Tohru's chest had twinged painfully when she heard her mother's sobs upon learning that the man she loved was dead. It was so painful. Life was so painful. That was what Tohru believed. After all, if a woman as beautiful and as strong as her mother wasn't immune from the bad things in life, how could life be worth living?

Life doesn't end with love.

That was one of the countless lessons Kyoko taught Tohru. Her mother was so strong. Even though her husband died, she was going to continue living.

Tohru believed in life, in God, in her mother, in her father, and in herself. At some point in her life she began to believe and that belief spread like wildfire across anyone who entered her path.

A smile.

A please.

A thank you.

All lessons taught by her mother and father.

Her mother told her about a time when she and Katsuya had simply sat in a car in the rain and, even though they were both soaking wet, they'd leaned against one another and watched and listened as droplets of rain hit the windshield. She told Tohru about how her father would tease her about her over-plucked eyebrows. She had wanted to tease him about his perfectly parted and gelled hair, but was too shy to do so until much later in their relationship. At this point, Tohru had grown to appreciate the stories and would even snuggle up beside her mother to listen.

One day Tohru's mother was telling her a story about how Katsuya drew inspiration from how his mother lived her life. Something about this made Tohru's eyes widen, capturing her attention. Tears welled up in her eyes as she felt a connection with her father for the first time in her life.

Something about this revelation sparked a fire in Tohru's heart, made her realize something about herself, about her potential. She wasn't just another person. She was a human, she was alive, and she had a power.

It was a feeling so strong that she felt that it should make her cry. She didn't cry, but that didn't matter.

All that mattered was that she believed.


End file.
